My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Yes, but it was never about money