If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’