Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
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smh
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?