Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁