I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I can’t be the only one 😂
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.