My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Eat…
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.