A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Generation gap…
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*