I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
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My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Sticker placement is key.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’