That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
One of the best
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
so much to do
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time