[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer