[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.