Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
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I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
motivation
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt