[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*