Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Pickled cat.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.