Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Smooooooth
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*