What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
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so this horse walks into a bar
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
🤭😂