You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My safe word is Worcestershire
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.