Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
You Might Also Like
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Hamburger Hinderer.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”