I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.