[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!