My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
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Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.