Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
March 16
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.