Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.