[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I’m putting together a team
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.