Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast