Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Hello Twits.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.