Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.