[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Sharon I have some bad news
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*