The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
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My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.