Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
the battle rages on
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Perfect
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!