god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby