Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
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Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
me opening up to someone
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…