How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Just a bush.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.