Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Spell check is for lasers.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?