lmfao
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I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
house sitting!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.