IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”