I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.