*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style