This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.