Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
New tinder profile pic
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.