if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I am HOWLING at this
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Don’t snitch tag.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.