My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
#DesignFail
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I need to update my racial profile.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”