Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!