My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I only eat vegetarians.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie: