[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Okay me first
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?