I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl