Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
can you read it!!??
maan!
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU