Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
He wanted to make sure😂
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses