Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I cannot call her anything else now
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!