[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.